I’m glad that Jesus called us (Christians) His friends. And because of that, we can talk anything to Him, knowing the fact that He always listens. These past months, I’ve been having a lot of conversations with God. And you know what, I’m just happy that God doesn’t get sick and tired of listening to us. Because really, I will get tired listening to myself. I’ve been talking to God over and over the same things. Isn’t God so patient with us? And what’s nice about it, His patience is endless.
What have I been talking to God endlessly recently? With my age, I wish I could be talking to God about having a lifetime partner. But surprisingly, God wants me to talk to Him about what He has called me for – going full time. I really wish it is about the lifetime partner. You know why? Because I don’t think I’m even worthy for such calling. I don’t even know if I am capable to go full time. And, I have so many concerns. What about my family’s needs? What about my finances? What about my team at work? But last Nov. 25, 2012, during the Single’s Big 8 Retreat, I said Yes to God. And last Dec. 10, 2012, during the Christmas gathering for D12/Dgroup leaders, I said Yes again to God when Ptr. Edmund Chan made the call. It wasn’t an easy Yes. It was a tearful Yes, only made possible by God’s grace.
Then what? God wanted me to prepare. He didn’t say when or how. He only said – prepare. Before I went home for Christmas last year, I was praying that God would give me the boldness to talk to my parents about my desire. I also prayed that God would prepare the heart of my parents. It is part of the preparation that I need to do. God as always was so amazing. I wasn’t expecting the response of my father. My father’s very words, “If that is your calling, who am I to stop you.” And the words which really struck me, “Who knows, God has prepared bigger things for you.” At that moment, my father who is still until now seeking in his faith, made me realize that he even has bigger faith than mine. God is just amazing!
Then what? I was trying to convince myself I wasn’t worrying. But you can never get away with God. He knows the deepest of our hearts. He is all-knowing. He made us. He designed us. He knows what we will say before we even say it. He just knows everything. No escape. And so I admit, I have been worrying. Now you would understand why I made Hebrews 11:1 my theme verse. But God has been very forgiving and gracious to me. He comforts my anxiety. His peace gives me rest. His promises open my eyes. This cycle has been ongoing. I worry, God forgives and comforts. I really don’t think I’m capable of such calling.
I want to share to you my journal yesterday, Jan. 19, 2013. I wrote to God in the morning.
You said that you are the light of this world and whoever follows you will never walk in darkness. I’m at this time of my life that I want to do certain things for You because that’s what my heart desires. But I don’t know Lord if these are what you have set for me. I need your light to guide my decisions Lord. I need You to give me a clear direction for what you want me to do. I’m not really sure if me staying in my current work is still your will for me. If it is Lord, please give me an opportunity to grow in my career. If you still want me to stay, please show me Lord that there is still something else I can do and I can become in my career. If you want me to go, please open a door for me that is specific and clear. I believe that You are not a complicated God. That when You speak, You always make it clear. That when You instruct, You always make sure I understand. Teach me to hear You clearly Lord. Show me the path.
It’s not really a nice prayer. It was my desperate prayer. I am getting tired already asking God – how. I just poured out my heart to God as I desperately want to know His will for me. Shame on me getting tired when God never gets tired listening. God is the only perfect Friend who will never fail to listen. And He doesn’t only listen, He also answers. When you talk to Him, you’re not talking to a wall. God is real and alive.
Written Jan. 20, 2013