God has been using people or events to speak to me. But more than that, He speaks through His Words from the Bible. My desire to go full time has been an on and off thing since I started my serious walk with the Lord. God would put it in my heart, then, He would remove it. On those times that I would desire for it, I would always ask God – how. And I really didn’t get any answers during those times. He would just slowly remove the desire from my heart.
Looking back, it was only last year that I understood the heart of God on His will for me. We can never serve God fully when there is a non-repented sin in our lives. I wish I can talk about it everything here but this is not about me. I want to talk how God has changed me. God is slow to anger. He does not look at us according to our own iniquities but according to His love and compassion. He does not keep a record of our wrongdoings. He forgives. He restores. He heals. He delivers. He gives us a new heart. He makes us a new creation. What God always wanted from me was a broken and contrite heart. Something that I thought I could never give to Him. I was scared because it would be very painful. But what I learned about God, He will never let go of you until you return to Him with your whole heart – doesn’t matter how broken it may be. At the time of brokenness, God changed me. His forgiveness and grace became my strength. His Word became alive, pierced me to the deepest. God set me free.
The joy and freedom of serving God with a repented life is truly incomparable. Now, I understand why God didn’t answer me before.
Going back to my desperate prayer, on that same day, God who is so full of grace and abounding in love used Miss Jane, a CCF fulltime worker to speak to me. She asked me if I already applied in CCF. I was surprised, well, because I didn’t know that Rhodes mentioned it to her. What I was really amazed was the wisdom that she imparted to me. She didn’t push me to apply to CCF, but instead, she told me that if it is really my calling, then maybe I should start first in going to a seminary. God doesn’t just drop things at your doorstep without any reason. It was a reminder for me that I have to prepare, just as He asked me to. I’m praying about IGSL. I feel intimidated. I feel incapable. I feel lacking. I still worry – the ongoing thing. Now that I’m praying about IGSL, I have new concerns with God. And you know what? God will always respond.
Written on Jan. 20, 2013