Over the weekend, I just found myself feeling really alone. The past weeks were really tiring with work but it didn’t remove the joy in my heart. I was enjoying my work. But starting this weekend, I felt I was really slowly going down. I could not understand the condition of my heart. It seems empty and full at the same time.
I tried praying so hard and pushed my self to read the Bible just to find comfort and to feel good. But, it didn’t work. I got so distracted with other things and my mind got tired of thinking what is wrong with me.
You see, I have moments like this in my life when all of a sudden I tend to get so emotional. Then, I start losing focus on God and start focusing on the desires of my heart. Instead of allowing the Holy Spirit to pull my self up from the pit, I pull myself down even more. I admit that this weekend, I let my self just go down. I know God is letting me face something but I was just so tired in dealing with it. I just want to do things my way.
But, big BUT… God is simply amazing. His patience and compassion is just endless on me. He will do everything so that I will return to Him regardless of the condition of my heart. I was reading the book entitled, “Growing Deep in God” (by Edmund Chan) and it focused on prayer. There were 2 paragraphs there which really affirmed my heart’s condition. God has been rebuking on me already about it but I just ignored. But, God loves me so much He would even use a book to rebuke me again.
Here’s what God reminded me. The ones with comments in the side.
I realized why I was so lazy reading God’s Word. Because I want to read to feel good and be comforted. And because I felt that it hasn’t been like that, I was doing my quiet time out of obligation when I should read because I love Jesus so much that I’m just thrilled to know more about Him. I now understand why my prayer life is becoming a duty rather than a delight. It’s because it has been about me when it should be about God.
My heart hasn’t been right. My mind even. My perspective shifted because of too much distractions. Slowly, I focused on myself instead of focusing on God.
God knows what’s in my heart right now. The fact that God is always committed to me despite my weaknesses gives me a reason to go back to Him. I’m just grateful for a God who is always true and faithful.
I pray that I will be more delighted in prayer and His Word because it’s always about Him.